I want to start out by saying, this is not a pitty post. This is my story of how my entire world flipped upside down and how I am learning to love myself and start healing from trauma.
It’s been one year since my life changed forever. One year ago today, June 11, 2022, is the day my entire life was flipped upside down. I was heading out to work and before I left, I asked him for his Costco card. In his wallet, I found a photo of the two of them that said “ I love you” and dated 2021. I knew that day that it was over. We had been together for 8 years. We lived together for 4. We bought Rosie together and planned on buying a house and raising a family together. And in a moment it was all gone.
I confronted him about it before heading to work and he denied everything. Said they were just friends and she meant nothing to him. He proceeded to tear up the picture and throw it in the trash and told me I was over reacting. I didn’t know what to do, so I put on my big girl pants and went to work.
I made it through the day without any tears. I don’t know how I did it, but I did. When I came home that night we sat and talked for hours. He told me he loved me, told me she was nothing. He even agreed to go to couples counselling with me. All I wanted was the truth. I knew he was still lying to me. This wasn’t the first time there was cheating, but this was the first time he fell in love with another woman. I knew in my head that at that moment it was over. But in my heart I wanted to do whatever I could to keep us together. I gave him the option of an open relationship. He said he didn't want that, he only wanted to be with me.
I would come home from work everyday and make sure dinner was made. Most nights he came home late, even though he didn't have a job. He was always “out with the guys”. I would try to do whatever I could to make him love me. I tried buying him nice things, going out to dinner, planning camping trips and even making sure I was still sleeping with him even though I knew he was sleeping with her. I tried it all. Finally, we decided that I needed to move out. The lying was never going to stop and we were never going to be able to work things out.
We went on one last camping trip together in late August and I really thought that us being there together would solve all of our problems and we would come back from this trip happy and in love. But I was mistaken. He thought we needed to take 2 cars because he said that after our trip he was going to a cottage with the guys. I knew that was a bullshit lie. He was going to a cottage with her the day our trip was over. I drove home for hours alone in a car that would overheat and I cried the entire time. I knew he was never going to love me the way I loved him.
I spent months looking for an apartment. Finally I found a place 12 minutes from him. I wanted to stay close because we wanted to be friends and I still wanted him to see Rosie. I should have trusted my gut then too and moved to Vancouver to start all over in the mountains, but I didn’t. Again.
On September 15th I moved. He came over that day, we went out and had a beautiful dinner at the restaurant next door, drank a bottle of wine and both cried. He hugged and kissed me goodbye as I gave him the keys to the condo. I knew that was going to be the last time I saw him even though he wanted to be friends. I knew after he left we were never going to speak again because I had a plan to message her.
I sent her a message, the day before her daughters wedding, warning her that he wasn’t what she thought he was. That he was still sleeping with me until the day I moved out and he was camping with me a few weeks earlier. I told her everything. I even sent her pictures. I wanted her to know. I wanted her to hurt the way I was. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to be caught. I’m sure he was lying to her just as much as he was lying to me. After that, he blocked me and didn’t speak to me again until almost Christmas.
During those months of us not speaking, I spiralled. I was drunk every night. I was on tinder sleeping with strangers. I had no self respect, no self worth, nothing. All I wanted was to feel something other than heartbreak. Even if it was just for one night. I cried all the time. I didn’t want to feel the pain, so I had another drink. One night it got really bad, I don’t even know what happened, but I woke up on the living room floor in the morning with the coffee table upside down and an entire bath and body works candle spilt all over my brand new carpet. That’s when I knew I needed to make a change.
That day after work, I went to GoodLife. I walked in there scared and not knowing what to do. But I got a membership. I got a personal trainer. I started out on this new journey. I started going to the gym 4 days a week. I started noticing my mind changing. I started feeling like myself again. I was starting to rebuild self confidence. My clothes were fitting better, the weight was starting to come off. I was still drinking but not nearly as much. It was the start of the healing process.
Just before Christmas, he reached out. He told me that he missed us. That he wanted to talk. He said that he had written me a letter. So I allowed him to come over to my place and he gave me the letter. It told me all the things he had done wrong. He apologized for the way he had treated me. He told me that he loved me and missed me. All while he was still in a relationship with this other woman. After reading the letter, we talked. We talked for hours. And then we had sex.
We continued seeing each other for months after that. It was like nothing had changed. We were happy. We were doing all the things we both loved. We even went out for dinner downtown on the night of what would have been our anniversary. We were talking and communicating like never before. I was able to tell him things I was always scared to tell him before. He came to watch my niece and nephew play hockey, he came and spent the night with me and the kids over March break. We would go out to dinner or go to movies or go hiking and have sex. I allowed myself to fall right back in love with him.
I kept up with the gym, was still there 4 days a week, and I completely changed my way of eating. I have lost 30 pounds this past year and I went from a size 12 down to a size 4. I started working with a nutrition coach who has been amazing. I tried to focus my free time on learning my macros. I took a few online courses about macro counting and coaching and am now a coach myself. I knew he was still with this other woman, so when he wasn’t with me I needed to do something to occupy my time.
At this point, I was now the other woman. He was winning again. He still had the both of us and there was nothing I could do about it because I was so in love with him and would do anything I could just to be near him. During Lent, I decided to give up drinking. I knew it was time and this was a great way for me to have an excuse not to drink. I didn’t drink for the entire 40 days and then some. I am now only drinking on occasion and only having 1 or 2 drinks. Not entire bottles to my face every day.
Through all of this, I was continuing my therapy. My therapist explained to me that I had a trauma bond to him and he was a narcissist. I was unfamiliar with that term so I started googling it. Some of the things made sense but others didn’t. I didn’t finally see it fully until a few weeks ago.
I told him straight up that he needed to make a choice. It was either going to be me or her. He couldn’t have us both any longer. It was too much for me emotionally, being the other woman. I truly cared about the feelings of this other woman. I didn't want her to be put through the hell I went through. So one night, while we were having dinner at a new restaurant neither of us had been too, he told me that he had ended things with her before Easter. I was shocked. I was pissed that he hadn’t told tme sooner. I cried and didn’t really know what to do next. He told me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He just wanted to be friends. I was ok with that. I would take whatever I could get.
He went to Europe for 2 weeks with his family, and I told him to really think about what he wanted. If it was me, I would be here when he got back. If it wasn’t then I would be gone. It was totally up to him. The day after he came home, I thought it would be a good idea to bring him dinner. I knew he wouldn’t have any food in his house after being away for 2 weeks. When I got there, he wouldn’t open the door. Instead he sent me a text “now isn’t a good time. She’s here getting her shit out. Can you come back later?”
I was so fucking mad. I left the food on the floor in front of the door and left crying. I wasn’t going back later. Why was she there getting her stuff now? They broke up over a month ago. All these things were running through my head. I cried the entire way home. We had a trip booked for that weekend and I told him I was going to cancel it because I didn’t want to be in this situation any longer. I really wish I had listened to my gut. He said; “No, don’t cancel. We will go and have a great time. Just like old times.” So we went.
The entire trip I knew he was lying to me. I knew it wasn’t over with them. This man had been lying to me for almost a decade so I knew when he was lying. On our way home, he was driving. For some reason, I decided to search her on Facebook. And I found her. I was shocked. I figured she had me blocked. When I clicked her profile I saw a picture she posted of the two of them on May 4. If he broke up with her before Easter, why the hell was she posting pictures in May? I took a screenshot of the photo and kept my mouth shut until we got home.
After we unloaded the car and the cooler. We ate dinner together and I asked him one last time. “Be honest with me, are you still with her?” He said NO! So then I showed him the screenshot. His response was “I can’t help what people post on social media .” I was livid. No woman in their right mind would be posting pics with their ex on social media. I knew he was lying again. Right to my face. I asked him how she would feel if she knew we were together. If I messaged her and told her. Then he got heated. I knew in that exact moment, right then and there, the smoke cleared from my eyes, HE’S A NARCISSIST. It took me almost 10 years to realize this. I have been going through narcissistic abuse for all these years and in that moment I saw it.
After he left that night, I cried. I cried a lot. I was disappointed in myself for allowing him to take everything from me; my self-worth, my self-respect, my heart. When I woke up the next day my face was swollen from crying all night. That’s when I decided I was going to tell this woman one more time that her boyfriend was still cheating on her. I sent her 1 picture of the two of us and told her the lying and the cheating would never stop. I wasn’t expecting a response because she never responded the first time I messaged her. But to my surprise, she responded.
She told me she knew that we were hanging out. She said that she had posted the photo on purpose because she knew that he had told me they broke up. I was shocked. She was allowing him to do the same things to her that he was doing to me and neither one of us was smart enough to walk away. She told me she knew I came by his place that night with the food, but she wasn't getting her things. She was there to be with him. He didn't ask her to leave, he asked her to stay over. This man was able to manipulate two grown women. How could we both be so stupid for so long? Why do we as women think with our hearts and not our brains. I really truly hope she see that a man like this is never going to change and she will be put through the same pain I was. He will break her and move on to the next.
He sent me a message later that day saying he wished me all the best and it was time for us to go our separate ways. Then he blocked me yet again. I knew that was going to happen. I think that’s why I reached out to her. I knew I couldn’t walk away from him on my own, I needed him to do it.
It has only been a few weeks since we last spoke and I think about him everyday. I still cry. I miss him like crazy. We had 2 camping trips planned for July that are now not going to happen together. But that’s ok! I am going to do it. I am going to have a great time. I am going to start creating memories without him in my life. I am going to be ok. I have a ton of healing to do but I will get there.
I am now totally focused on building this brand and creating quick and easy meal plans to help other people achieve their goals. I am taking all of this pain that he has caused me over the years and I am turning it into power. I will be successful without him. I will rise to the top without him. Right now I feel numb, but I know the strength is in there. I just hope I’m strong enough to stay away when he comes back with the “love bombing stage”. I know he will come back. He knows the control he has over me. Or maybe he will read this blog and see the pain that he has caused and stay away forver. I just know that this time I am stronger. I will not allow him back in!
I hope this story helped at least one of you. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever written, knowing that people are going to read it. I wanted you to know my story. I want you to know that it’s not all rainbows and candy canes. There are hard times. We all struggle. It’s just how you rise above it that matters.
I am on a journey of learning to love myself again. It’s going to take time but I will get there. The famous words of Ru Paul “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” I know the right person is out there for me, but for now I just need to focus on myself, my business and my fitness and the rest will all fall into place.
Love,
Liz
Comments