This post is not like most of my other posts. This one has been one of the hardest things I have ever written. I have written and re-written it over and over again. I am still in disbelief that this is really about me. I have read many articles like this one over the last few months but never thought I would be the one behind the keyboard writing these things down.
All my life, I have dreamt of being a mom. Having a baby and loving it and being there for it. Protecting it, teaching it things, just all around loving it. A few months ago I was told that the dream of me carrying my own biological child was next to impossible. There was a 5% chance that I would have a live birth at a cost of over $25,000. This journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions, a maze of heartbreak that has defined the landscape of my late thirties.
At 25, I got married and thought this was it. I have the husband now it's time to make a baby. What I didn't know then was that I was going to struggle. We tried for a few years and it didn't happen for us. We both thought it was just Gods plan and when the time was right it would happen. Then the marriage came to an end and I really thought it was in His plan. I never wanted to be a single mom so not having a baby was a blessing in disguise.
In a world where age is often just a number, the pressure to conform to societal expectations can be overwhelming. At 39, the expectation is often to have it all figured out, to have a family established, and to be reveling in the joys of parenthood. But life doesn't always unfold according to the script we envision. Anyone that has been following me for a while, knows that I went through a really rough patch over the last couple of years. This year, as I approach 40, I wanted to start looking into my options of being a single mom with a sperm donor. I assumed all I needed to do was buy the sperm and have it injected into me and I would have a baby. No big deal, right? WRONG!
The struggle with infertility is a silent battle that many face, and for me, it has been a poignant reminder of the unpredictability of life. The ache of longing for a child, coupled with the ticking of the biological clock, casts a shadow over the otherwise joyous aspects of life. I have completely transformed my way of eating and am in the best shape of my life. I thought being a healthy woman would make it so easy so I made the first step and called a local fertility clinic and started the process. After a number of blood tests, ultrasounds and other exams the doctor called me and explained to me that it was not going to be as easy as I was hoping. I only had 2 follicles. The doctor suggested that I use a donor egg as well as donor sperm. The chances of having a live birth would be greater, however, the child would not be biologically mine. This is not be the way I had intended. None of this was really the way I had intended. I wanted to have a baby with a man who loved me. I wanted the white picket fence where the kids could play in the backyard. I wanted the fantasy family.
Age brings with it a unique set of challenges in the realm of fertility. The fear of diminishing chances and the constant battle against time can be paralyzing. However, I've come to realize that age is just one chapter in the story, not the entire narrative. There is strength in acknowledging the pain, embracing the uncertainty, and finding hope in unexpected places. I joined a few Facebook groups of women who are single parents by choice and who have gone through this process. I commend all of these women for doing this. After many tears, conversations with family and my therapist, I have come to the conclusion that this is not a journey I want to undergo alone. I can do a lot of hard things alone, but growing up in a single parent household, I know deep in my heart, I don't want that for my child. I want my child to 2 parents. I saw the struggles my dad went through raising 3 daughters on his own and I don't want to intentionally put myself in that situation. It isn't fair to me or to them.
As I navigate the uncharted waters of infertility at 39, I hold onto the belief that the journey itself is shaping me into a person of depth and empathy. The struggle is real, but so is the strength that emerges from facing adversity head-on. So, here's to embracing the journey, finding solace in shared experiences, and believing that, no matter the age, the heart knows no bounds in its capacity to hope and heal. As I turn the page on this chapter of my life, I can only pray that maybe one day I will be able to adopt a child or become an amazing stepmom to a child.
At this point, I am going to put all of the love that I would have given this child into my beautiful nieces and nephew. I will always be there for them no matter what and always love them like my own. I will continue to pamper Rosie and take her along with me on all of my adventures! If you are someone out there who is struggling with infertility, I would love to hear your story. Connecting with other women out there who are going through something similar always helps.
Love,
Liz
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