Well in 6 days I will be 39. I have to admit I am not where I pictured I would be by this age but such is life.
They say, 40 is the new 30 so I really shouldn’t be that hard on myself. I really thought by now I would own a home, be a wife and a mom but life didn’t work out that way for me. There is still time to achieve these goals but right now I am focused on my own journey of self-love and healing. I am making every day a new adventure! I have accomplished a lot this year. I have moved into my own place, I have tackled 13 Ontario Parks, hiked a ton and enjoyed my time with Mother Nature.
This is the first year that I can remember that I don’t have a single thing planned for my birthday. No dinner out, no champagne toast, NOTHING and I’m ok with that.
The reason I haven’t planned anything for my birthday is because I was expecting to have a new niece come into this world on my birthday. However, Mila decided to make a surprise apparence this past weekend. She was born October 14 at 10:19 am. I got the call from my sister at 9:30 Saturday saying she was headed to the hospital so I figured I had plenty of time to make it there (she’s 2 hrs away). But Mila wasn’t having it. I was trying to call my sister to find out what hospital to go to and no answer so I just got on the 407 and headed east. The next thing I knew I was getting a picture of Alicia with baby Mila in her arms. I was shocked! I rushed to the hospital to give this little girl so many auntie snuggles. It was incredible to hold this beautiful little miracle in my arms.
After spending a few hours at the hospital, I decided to leave to let other family members come in and see this little girl. I came home and got ready to go to one of my close friend’s birthday party. She was having a Barbie themed 39th birthday so I was excited to celebrate with her. I got all dressed up in my cute little pink dress and headed to the party. While being there I was thinking I’m so glad I came here to celebrate this because next weekend I will be sitting at home alone.
Birthdays have always been a big thing for me. I love to celebrate, not just my birthday but everyone around me. I threw paries for my ex's birthday, I always made a big deal of my nieces and nephews birthdays and last year I even tried to throw my dad a 60th party but he came down with a cold and wasn’t having any of it. So this year is going to be strange. Last year was my first year single for my birthday and my friends did a hell of a job to take my mind off of that with tequila, but this year I don’t feel like the party. I don’t feel like there is really anything to celebrate.
I have been going through this journey and it’s been hard. There are days that are still very dark. There are days that I can’t even get myself out of bed except to walk Rosie. I try really hard to put on a strong face and keep up with my workouts and my nutrition but some days I just need to stop. I just need to be in my dark bedroom and not move. There are also days when I feel great! I hit all my macros, get in a killer lift and fell invinceable. The good days out weigh the bad days for sure but they do exist. I have accomplished some new personal bests at the gym and I am stronger and leaner than I was at 29 so I have that to be proud of.
This last year has really taught me a lot. I have learned who I can really count on in my life. I have walked away from several friendships because they are not what I need right now. I am still very much in love with a man who doesn’t love me and I know one day I will be able to move on from that. It is all a process. And everyone says “Trust the process”. Hell, I say it to my clients almost daily! I have also achieved a lot this year. I have started this business. I am coaching a number of women to their goals. I have started writing this blog as well as putting recipes together to soon publish a cookbook.
I am grateful for the life I have. For the real true friends that have stuck by me over the years. I am grateful to be alive. This time last year I didn’t think I was even going to make it to 39. My life hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I have a lot of trauma I have been working through and I am trying really hard to forgive certain people in my life. I have learned that you can forgive someone but that doesn’t mean they will ever eat at your table.
Life is a daily struggle for me. Suffering from depression and anxiety most of my life I have learned how to hide it. I have learned how to put on a fresh face of makeup and smile even though I’m crying on the inside. I am seeing a therapist bi-weekly to work through my issues with alcohol, childhood trauma and depression. I have also been in contact with a fertility clinic to see if there is a chance I will ever have a baby or if freezing my eggs now is the best option. We will see how all of this turns out.
Here I am, my last week of 38 ready to start a fresh new year. I am ready to take the chances, I am ready to invest in myself, I am ready to be the best auntie role model for all of my nieces and nephew and I am ready to be a mom!
I know this blog post is a little bit different than most things I talk about. I just feel it is important to talk about mental health and the struggles that people are having everyday. There are so many small things that trigger me that send me into a depressive state and I think it’s important to talk about it. We all have some kind of trauma. We have all had that bad break up or grew up with divorced parents or have had someone close to us pass away. It is there in all of us. Everyone just deals with things differently. For me, writing has helped me so much. I journal every day and put all of my thoughts down on paper. Now I have this blog, so I have another way to express myself.
Remember, if you are struggling, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Feel free to reach out to me at anytime and I will be here to listen.
I appreciate all of the love and support I have received since starting this blog. I hope there are things that I write about that has helped you with your journey. Whether it be your fitness goals, nutrition goals or your next camping adventure.
Lots of love Always,
Liz
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